Twas the Night Before Analysis or A Visit from the Chief Data Scientist

christmas-tree-fire‘Twas the night before analysis, when all thro’ the lab

Not a consultant was stirring, no more coffee to grab

The algorithms were coded in the system with care

In hopes that the data soon would be there

The analysts were restless, tired and half dead

Visualizations of regressions danc’d in their heads

Tech support on call, and I with a beer can

Had just settled my brain, data munging began

When from the data warehouse arose a clatter

I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter

Away to the phone, that rang off the hook

“We may be in trouble! Quick take a look!”

I looked at the screen, where the data was displayed

My heart skipped a beat, and I was dismayed

When what to my blurry eyes should appear

But thousands of errors, it was our greatest fear

The data was scrambled, the analysis was damned

I knew in a moment, it just hit the fan

I sat there in shock, when an idea came to me

Then I scrambled and shouted for data quality:

“Now! Error, now! Accuracy, now! Bias and Precision,

“On! Variance, on! Sampling, on! ANOVA and Correlation;

“Use every technique no matter how off the wall!”

“Now Cleanse away! Cleanse away! Cleanse away all!”

They dove at their keyboards and let their fingers fly,

But it was so bad, the analysts started to cry

I looked at my computer as the errors ran past

Ugh! People’s names were changed to the Sound of Music’s cast

And then in a twinkling, I heard at the door

The Chief Data Scientist, and a few more

They came to my office, it was a bad situation

My boss puts the mean in standard deviation

The data was hosed, the analysis failed

I really wish earlier that I had inhaled

My boss hit the screen, and it quickly cracked

And he look’d like a grey wolf just about to attack

His eyes — how they blazed! Oh what a fury

His cheeks were bright red, rage like a flurry

“What happened here?” He wanted to know

“Why is the analysis now a no go?”

I trembled inside, gritted my teeth

And opened the dataset lurking underneath

And when I executed the command

Everyone’s address now showed Neverland

“We can’t tell the Client it is already a failure!”

“I have to think of something that I can tell them later!”

His flashing eyes and scratching his head

Soon gave me to know I had something to dread

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his phone

He typed out a text, finished it with a groan

He reached into his pocket to do what he planned

And handed me a pink slip, I had been canned!

“We cannot let anyone know that something went wrong.”

“So get out of this office, and don’t take too long!”

And I heard him proclaim, as he walked out of sight

“That was your two week notice! Keep your mouth shut tight!”

Apologies to Clement Clarke Moore

Merry Christmas!

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